A Storm In A Teacup


Tagline: “Hello! It’s tea. I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?”

Ever found yourself in a dilemma to reach for a saucer, a cup and pretend to exist in pre-war times or to reach for a mug and nest yourself in a cozy chair like the true millennial you are? For centuries mankind has sought to figure out which beverage is better and which is the Magikarp of its time. So let me in my non humble opinion break this down into goof-proof facts and navigate to a conclusion to help you better appreciate your addiction. (chances are you’re drinking coffee/tea while reading this in which case get your life together, man)

Both tea (originated from China in the third century) and coffee (originated from Ethiopia in the eleventh century) were supposedly discovered as medicinal drinks. (Wikipedia) United States of America is the only densely, populated country which shamelessly consumes coffee, apart from writing their dates backward, crippling economy, using ‘or’ instead of ‘our’ and generally being a recusant – consuming coffee is a fortunate occurrence they’ve had. The rest of British colonised states live on 75% production of tea.

Both have pros and cons and are easily available for anyone who’s willing to acquire extensive knowledge by spending countless hours on the internet. (not Wikipedia).


Here are some of ‘life hacks’ that I found:

• Coffee is good for your liver, it protects you from severe liver diseases such as cancer, cirrhosis and fibrosis so if “Drinking coffee makes my liver squirm in delight” isn’t a saying, then it should be.

• If you’re trying to lose weight then w(eight)ait no more and start chugging coffee! Coffee increases metabolism by about 3-11%, and your overall work performance by increasing your ‘fight or flight’ response.

• If you’re going through a rough patch of mental illness please contact your psychologist ASAP and also drink coffee.

• The only way to quit a bad addiction is to acquire a new bad addiction so if you’re a smoker and you’ve had it, you should know a warm cup of coffee is waiting for you to embrace it.

• Other than the aforementioned facts coffee makes you smarter, helps prevent depression, cancer, diabetes, Parkinson’s disease, cardiac diseases, and is the biggest source of antioxidants (anti-ageing) to say the least.

Nothing is ever perfect – coffee causes dehydration, acidity, diarrhoea, unwanted jitters, muscle spasm. It could be lethal if consumed in significant amount, but those are the exact reasons why you won’t ever get addicted to it. Tea comes in varying flavours and benefits, so what? Coffee comes in varying price range. If ‘tea addicts” don’t get their daily dose of tea, they will not only not progress in life but may commit felony and if you don’t give someone their daily dose of coffee? You’d only expect them to sleep on their jobs.

I am not exaggerating when I say we’ve come a long way from “Chai chaiyae? Kaunsi janaab?” to “Chai chaiyae! Kitnay time, janaab?”. We are so obsessed with the diluted sugar-milk beverage that possibly our blood composition is 80% theophylline. You’d have unhinged lunatics and side-walk hippies claim that tea is anti-cancer, the vapours are soul soothing, it might just fix hunger crisis or AIDS and they may be right but you either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become a tea addict.

Tea could be the pure essence, the ultimate decorum behind family bonding and all the Hi-Teas but have you ever seen writers, thinkers and activists sitting at the local Dhaaba drinking the strongest/blackest chai? No, you’ll find them with their expensive and ostentatious gadgets at your local Starbucks outlet. Tea’s synonymity to sophistication, gloves, cakes, Hi-Tea and frivolous gatherings restricts you to express yourself. Tea is for people who are 50+, so for the rest of the eccentric children of the sun it’s the good old universal coffee – coffee is nourishing and raising our children with tea is wasting our time.

Apart from my proven point – that coffee is one of the healthiest beverages – know that whatever you reach out for, too much of anything is bad for health. Stay in school, keep calm and drink to your heart’s content. Amusez-vous bien.

About the author :  It’s quite elementary, I can break every bone in your body while naming them.


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